beer can = bacon

Obama’s reelection = czars, minions, U.N. troops, and civil war? …totes.

Umm… soo… this is embarrassing. There are great things about Texas… this is not one of them.

(CNN) — An elected county judge in Texas is warning that the nation could descend into civil war if President Barack Obama is re-elected, and is calling for a trained, well-equipped force to battle the United Nations troops he says Obama would bring in.

The comments by Lubbock County Judge Tom Head, who oversees emergency planning efforts, were broadcast by CNN affiliate KJTV. He made similar remarks on radio station FOX Talk 950.

Saying that as the county’s emergency management coordinator he has to “think about the very worst thing that can happen and prepare for that and hope and pray for the best,” Head told radio host Jeff Klotzman that he believes “in this political climate and financial climate, what is the very worst thing that could happen right now? Obama gets back in the White House. No. God forbid.”

Referring to unexplained “executive orders” and other documents that Obama and “his minions have filed,” Head said, “regardless of whether the Republicans take over the Senate, which I hope they do, he is going to make the United States Congress and he’s going to make the Constitution irrelevant. He’s got his czars in place that don’t answer to anybody.”

Obama, Head said, will “try to give the sovereignty of the United States away to the United Nations. What do you think the public’s going to do when that happens? We are talking civil unrest, civil disobedience, possibly, possibly civil war … I’m not talking just talking riots here and there. I’m talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms, get rid of the dictator. OK, what do you think he is going to do when that happens? He is going to call in the U.N. troops, personnel carriers, tanks and whatever.”

Head vowed to personally stand “in front of their personnel carriers and say, ‘You’re not coming in here.’ And I’ve asked the sheriff. I said, ‘Are you going to back me on this?’ And he said, ‘Yeah, I’m going to back you.’ Well, I don’t want a bunch of rookies back there who have no training and little equipment. I want seasoned veteran people who are trained that have got equipment. And even then, you know we may have two or three hundred deputies facing maybe a thousand U.N. troops. We may have to call out the militia.”

The day I was on perezhilton.com… SWAG

Yep. Today I was on perezhilton.com.

David Rakoff on being creative and “Rent”

After FINALLY completing the Game of Thrones audiobook series, my morning drive became quite dull until I remembered I had the This American Life app and, duh, This American Life (TAL) is basically MY american life. (I’m not sure what that means exactly but any chance to bring the focus back to me is really what I strive for on a daily basis.) (Joking.) (Am I?)

Last week’s episode featured stories from longtime contributor and prizewinning humorist, David Rakoff. Unfortunately, David passed away last week at the way-too-young age of 47 after his cancer reappeared in his shoulder. To celebrate his life, the TAL team put together a show completely dedicated to David and there was one piece in particular that really struck a nerve with me.

I hope you all enjoyz it!

The whole segment is great but you can skip to 3:13 for the “Rent” story (although I don’t recommend it).

Morgan Freeman – Pro

Repost: I was assaulted and threatened to be killed by a mob in Pakistan for being an ‘American Oppressor’.

While working at my current company I’ve had the pleasure of meeting some really amazing people through our internship program. One such person is a former intern named Nuh. He’s easily one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met and I am so honored to be able to call him a friend. He was in America on a student visa and when the visa expired late last year, he unfortunately had to return to Pakistan. He’s lived most of his life outside of Pakistan so I can imagine being forced to return to his “home country” was a bit daunting as he’s spent most of his life abroad. Unfortunately, Nuh has an American accent and it’s made him a target. He just posted a recent experience on Reddit and I’d like to share it with you all:

I was assaulted and threatened to be killed by a mob in Pakistan for being an ‘American Oppressor’.

As the title says, I was assaulted in Pakistan by a mob and my life was threatened for being an ‘American Oppressor’.

This happened right on the road outside my house.

Today, August 17th 2012, after the Friday prayers in Pakistan the roads were backed up because everyone was going home from the Mosques. I got stuck in the middle of a junction of two roads. I was stuck bumper to bumper between cars. If you’ve been to Karachi, or know of it, you know how bad they drive here to begin with.

Sitting in the car with me is my 50 year old Mother and my 72 year old Nann.

A car drove up on the road moving across and started honking like crazy. I motion in front of me and behind me to show that I’m stuck and can’t do anything and the guy keeps honking.

He then gets out of his car and comes to my window and says ‘Move your car’. I say I can’t move anywhere, look at what’s behind me and in front of me. He keeps insisting I move and finally I say; “Look, where the fuck do you want me to go, I’m stuck here!”

He then grabs my arm and is pulling me and tries to take my car keys. I shove him away and I say “what the hell is your problem” and he starts screaming in the middle of the road at me about how I’m a son of a bitch and I’m doing this on purpose.

Then the OTHER guy, a much BIGGER guy, gets out of their car and walks up to me and starts off himself. Meanwhile the first guy is shouting about how “Americans” come to Pakistan and oppress the people and starts pointing to my car and screaming that I’m an American and he gathers a large group together and is doing this really racist rant.

One of this newly formed group, an old man, starts shouting, “Beat the American! Kill the American!” and I’m in my car freaking the fuck out saying “What is going on?!”

They gathered around the car, and started to try and pull me out of my car. They’re grabbing me and they’re still shouting about beating me and killing me and chanting stuff about down with America.

Then the guys in the two cars behind me get out and run up and shove everyone away and tell us to lock our doors and roll up our windows, and they clear a path and get us out of there. One of the guys who saved us said that this ‘mob’ had every intention of killing me because I’m an American.

Here’s the thing though. I am NOT an American. I’m Pakistani. I just have an American accent, and, well, sort of look like I’m an American (or as they were shouting ‘The white man’). This is the first time I’m actually ‘really’ living in the country, I’ve lived abroad most of my life, but I’ve only ever had Pakistani citizenship so I’m stuck here between visas.

Luckily, I made it out, and it doesn’t look like I have any bruises or any real physical harm done. Mentally though, I’m really, really scared. I’ve had people insult me behind my back and to my face when they think I can’t understand the insults here many times about being an ‘American’, but this is the first time it became physical…and life threatening. My Mom is going crazy and I can’t even imagine what my Nann is thinking.

I don’t speak the language here, I understand enough to get by, but that’s about it. I don’t understand the culture or the traditions, and don’t enjoy the local shows, movies or music. The weather doesn’t suit me. My mother has to cook special dishes for me because I can’t handle any of the local food. My little brother is in the same boat as me.

I am literally stuck. And now my life was threatened.

They made something simple escalate immediately into physical violence, and it wasn’t like those guys were thugs or anything, they looked like educated businessmen.

And I live in what is considered the safest neighborhood in Karachi.

The worst part is they were trying to kill an ‘American’. That was their psychotic intent, to kill the ‘oppressor’ who had invaded their country. And this is where I get put in a tough situation.

If I was an American citizen, then I probably could have gone to the Embassy or Consulate and taken care of this. But I’m not an American, which means I effectively can’t do anything about it because laws don’t mean anything here (considering the cops were down the road handling traffic at the stop sign and didn’t do anything, yeah…).

So I’m stuck until the next incident like this happens.

My family’s afraid because of my accent and my looks it could happen again since everyday the city’s violence escalates. In the past 24 hours alone 25 Shiites were murdered on a bus, and today there was some kind of explosion that may or may not have been a bomb.

I’m really freaking out and could use some support Reddit, moral or any other kind.

Send Nuh some love/support/good vibes!

YouTube Awards: 5 Guys Burgers and Fries

So if you love bacon, 5 Guys, and appreciate the subtleties of the perfect burger experience… you gots ta watch dis!

DAYUM!!! And then it was autotuned… YEP. AUTOTUNED TO PERFECTION AND I CAN’T STOP LISTENING!!

GIF Awards – Lochte, Donna Meagle + Tom Haverford

My friend sent me this gem of a gif today…

 

My reaction:

Hate seeing babies on your newsfeed? There’s an app for that…

Do you hate seeing babies on your newsfeed? Do you just hate babies in general because they can’t really, well, do anything? (They definitely can’t make a cheese soufflé and that’s, like, a major prerequisite for being in my social circle.) Or do you hate babies because seeing the promise of a new life is a constant reminder of how much you’re failing at yours?

Whatever your reason, thank’s to unbaby.me you can now delete babies from your newsfeed permanently by replacing them “with awesome stuff.” Yep. You’re welcome.

Internet win: Chat Roulette + Call Me Maybe

Yessss we’re all tired of these “Call Me Maybe” videos but YOU MUST WATCH THIS ONE. Don’t watch the Olympic swim team video, don’t watch the Abercrombie model video, watch THIS one!

[via Huffington Post]

It’s been done by the Harvard baseball team, “President Obama” and even Cookie Monster. It’s been done in so many ways by so many people that we thought — surely— it’d be categorically impossible to make a “Call Me Maybe” parody that was still funny.

But Steve Kardynal (of shake weight fame) has proved us wrong.

In this cringe-worthy YouTube video, Kardynal — lipsticked, bearded and scantily clad in women’s garb — shimmies and shakes in front of a Chatroulette crowd that alternates between delighted reactions and those of utter disgust.

Kardynal, known for his outlandish antics, is in top form as he lip-syncs and gyrates his way through Carly Rae Jepson’s hit song, but the priceless reactions of the other users on the online chat website are the true stars of the clip.

And though we know that the world probably doesn’t need any more “Call Me Maybes,” the grimaces of all those shirtless men sitting in half-dark rooms makes this one well worth it.