Monthly Archives: November 2009

Nucking Futs

Meet Cindy, the soon to be front page headliner accused of ripping someone’s face off lucky dog that gets to call Crazy Sandy her owner.

Speechless.

You can actually see the sorrow in her canine oculi. In case you can’t tell, Cindy is dawning this season’s style — the garden snail. See how the colors delicately reflect her… I’ve got nothing, this is just plain sick.

Joe Camel

 Oooooh Sandy.

The Cock of the Walk

The Cock of the Walk

My heart just keeps breaking.

This is actually called "Leonardoodle"

I just don’t understand this. It’s really grossing me out… I mean why is she wearing that scrub top?!

I will eat a bowl of cherries and some ghost meat in his honor!

And my personal favorite:

I’m starting a petition… Sandy needs to STOP wearing those scrubs. At least this one is dog themed and has bones on it, the other one featured a gaggle of bears! In case you didn’t know this, a large group of bears is called a gaggle… or a shrewdness… I don’t remember… I think only Jesus knows but everyone knows he was mute but I digress…

What I’m really trying to say is that when Cindy finally flips out and attacks Sandy… I will write her an “I told you so” letter (because I’m kind and write letters to people) and I will eat a bowl of red cherries and some ghost meat in Sandy’s honor.

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10 Things I Learned From “New Moon”

  1. 30 seconds is wayyy too long to have a slow-mo walking shot of anyone… even vampires.
  2. 13-year-old girls should not be allowed into movie theaters is there are people over 15 present.
  3. The least most intimidating line in movie history is Taylor Lautner saying, “Don’t make me mad! Things. Could. Get. Ugly.”
  4. Kristen Stewart peaked with Panic Room.
  5. People obviously don’t understand the difference between a werewolf and a shape-shifter… Losers.
  6. Teenage angst really makes me want to punch someone in the throat and make someone eat a cupcake. It’s physically impossible to be all mopey when you’re eating a cupcake. That is science.
  7. The fact that during 80% of the serious moments in the movie, the entire audience erupted into laughter means that either this is one of the worst movies ever created, or this is the worst movie ever created.
  8. I would normally complain about paying $12.50 to see this piece of garbage, but Jacob Black (and yes I am distinguishing between the character and the actor… screw Taylor Lautner) is pretty delicious without his shirt on. But this is also why 13-year-old girls should not be allowed into a theater with us grown as women in attendance.
  9. Movie popcorn makes my tummy hurt.
  10. Never admit to anyone that you paid money to watch New Moon.
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Messed Up Dream #2: My Friend Steve

My best friend’s name is Steve. He is a giant, talking, venus fly trap that had leaves for hands.

The other day I went camping with Steve and some mutual friends. We were somewhere in Colorado and were surrounded by mountains and a beautiful river. The water looked so inviting we decided to go swimming so I went to go back to our cabin to change into my gold lame swim suit (I dream big).

All of a sudden I am attacked by an evil vine that is winding itself in and out of the wooden planks of the wall and wrapping itself around my legs! Just then, Steve, the giant, talking venus fly trap, burst through the door and started attacking my evil adversary by spraying it continuously with weed killer. After a few minutes of this battle of epic proportions, the evil vine slithered away and I was safe once again.

Then I woke up.

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Messed Up Dream #1: Dinosaur

My parents never have to worry about me doing any kind of hard/hallucinatory drug because if my dreams are any indication of the depths my imagination can reach… I know that if I ever took drugs, my brain would explode from overload and I would die. (Unless you can survive a brain explosion, which I doubt, but if you could I’d much rather be put out of my misery because I prob would be a vegetable and, well, no thanks)

So I’ve decided that I will share my effed up dreams with you. Get excited. They’re weird.

This is a dream that I had many years ago that still haunts me. I was probably in the 7th grade or some impressionable age like that. So it was a week-long dream that played out like an episodic television show, each night it would pick up more or less where it ended the night before. My family and I had gone to a Jurassic Park type of place and got locked in and for a week were trying to figure out how to get out of this place. It kind of looked like that tv show, Dinosaurs, in that the dinosaurs wore clothes and they could talk. The herbivores were nice (obviously because they weren’t constantly trying to eat you) and the omnivores were crazy bitches that you needed to stay away from! So FINALLY my family made it out of this Chuck E. Cheese gone wrong and headed to our 1992 Ford Aerostar and all of a sudden my dad stops and says, “Ya know, I think I’m going to stay here with the T-Rexes, they were pretty cool.” I had a nice chuckle over this little piece of sarcasm as I am never one to let sarcasm go unnoticed but my mom had other plans. She replied with a firm, “FINE!” and grabbed my brother and me and threw us in the van and drove off. After a few minutes I said, “uhhh Mom, I think we should go back and get Dad. I’m pretty sure he was just joking with us.”

All of a sudden, my mom and my brother turned towards me, ripped off their faces and Old Men with Guitars, they’re velociraptors! I swing open the sliding door to our fancy van and high-it back to where we left my dad. However, when I reach the parking lot I see that my dad has been circled by a gang of Mexican street fighters and is getting the crap beat out of him!

Then I woke up.

My New Favorite Song

Actually this is my new favorite song:

Things I Wish I Could Do

  • yodle
  • join an inner-city breakdance crew
  • race a magnetic levitation train and win
  • hunt with a lion
  • search the entire internet and reach the end
  • make an indoor pool filled with cherry jello
  • walk around in high heeled moon shoes
  • be an old grumpy man for a day and yell at children  whippersnappers and smell like jam
  • beat Kobayashi in an eating contest while remaining neat and tidy
  • swim in lava
  • kickbox a kangaroo
  • sing with all the voices of the mountain and paint with all the colors of the wind
  • wear a greenman wedding dress… on my wedding day or any other wednesday
  • enter a toddler’s glitz beauty pageant as a 22 year old college graduate
  • put up shelves
  • James Franco
  • beat my mom in a game of sharks and minnows… she swims too fast and it scares me to see my mother coming at me with that much determination and hatred in her eyes
  • punch Dane Cook in the face
  • have an episode of Always Sunny written about me, starring me, directed by me, entited “The Gang Does Me” …. ooooo wait….. nevermind
  • do a Chicago accent
  • drink scotch and like it
  • win a belly flop competition but not feel any pain
  • invent a sport that becomes the most popular sport in the world… like
  • Tina Fey
  • write a novel with only one draft
  • think like Tracy Morgan for a day
  • be in an animated Disney movie
  • get an entire weeks worth of groceries and only pay in coupons
  • harmonize with myself
  • eat bacon and not feel like i’ve rubbed it all over my face

Frat Dust

Me and my business partner are about to embark on our newest business venture: Frat Dust.

The idea came about when Chase stupidly used the word “cool” but I quickly reminded him that “we only use the word ‘frat” these days” because it automatically elevates you to INSTANT DOUCHE STATUS.

“Frat” is like the fairy dust for doucheyness… It is Frat Dust!

Frat dust = gold glitter in a douchebag. Now this creates a problem because I dont think that a douche utilizes bags per se but we’ll figure this out. And I think gold glitter is the way to go because the only thing that screams “douche” more than gold glitter on a man (helps to emphasize the man-tan) is Ed Hardy/Affliction shirts and Jon Gosselin.

douchebag

The Entire J&D’s Bacon Product Line

baconsalt-illus2

Yay Bacon Salt!

baconnaise-illus2

Of course there’d be baconnaise… because regular mayonaise was just too healthy. Oh but wait! There’s a Baconnaise Lite for those of you who only want one heart attack this year.

baconpop-illus1

I might stick with that large barrell of regular, cheddar, and caramel popcorn. But… thanks.

baconranch-illus1

Because bacon bits was too much trouble. Just another jar to open. “I mean I’m lazy, but… I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, “You know I could go for a salad, but uh, I’m not gonna open TWO jars! I can’t be opening and closing all kinds of jars… cleaning, who KNOWS how many knives!?” … okay so maybe that’s not exacty how the Brian Regan qutoe goes but whatever… YOU TOO!

More Bacon Goodness

bacon-envelopesYESSSS!!!!!! The maker’s of bacon flavored chapstick and other bacon themed nuggets (not actual nuggets because that would make too much sense) have just come out with bacon flavored envelope adhesive! I have long had a strong hatred for licking envelopes because:

  1. the adhesive tastes like the smell of band aids
  2. upon licking the adhesive, all moisture in your mouth is immediately sucked out leaving you with a severe case of dry mouth
  3. then you have to drink water to relieve the dry mouth which only spreads the nasty band-aid taste around your orifice and down your esophagus.
  4. julien at work told me that you should never lick envelopes because they have rat droppings on them 😦

I’m normally not a big hand-written letter person but this might change real fast if i can have the sweet taste of bacon whenever I want to keep in touch with some out of touch wanker that doesn’t use email.

I Forsee Bad Things With This…

I give you to… JD’s Bacon Lip Balmjds-bacon-lip-balm

Now at first glance I thought this was brilliant because I love all things bacon. However, I started to think about it and this has disaster written all over it.

Imagine the people who are going to buy this… probably bacon connoisseurs… and they more than likely look like this:ou

Now imagine that guy with gleaming lips courtesy of his bacon lip balm… walking around constantly licking his lips… more than likely pushing his tongue to the far reaches of his face. He’s bound to start to drool and start sweating because a) he’s massive    b) he’s embarrassed he’s drooling and    c) he’s Jabba.

Sounds precious.