Tag Archives: funny

Hate seeing babies on your newsfeed? There’s an app for that…

Do you hate seeing babies on your newsfeed? Do you just hate babies in general because they can’t really, well, do anything? (They definitely can’t make a cheese soufflé and that’s, like, a major prerequisite for being in my social circle.) Or do you hate babies because seeing the promise of a new life is a constant reminder of how much you’re failing at yours?

Whatever your reason, thank’s to unbaby.me you can now delete babies from your newsfeed permanently by replacing them “with awesome stuff.” Yep. You’re welcome.

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Dear Newark Airport…

To my tens of readers, I apologize for being so lax on my postings. I went home for Christmas and had a dandy time but before I divulge into that pot of goodies I have to recap my flight home. It’s been a day to face rape all other days.

So it starts off that I get my flight wrong by an hour because my phone switched time zones when I flew into Austin, thus making the departure time I had programmed into my google calendar, incorrect. But that was fine because I got a new iPhone (my HalleBerryBlackBerry was one of the many casualties of New Years Eve) so I had a lot of fun little apps to play with while I waited. (Words with Friends is the greatest thing ever… my username is MoneyOvahBitches… and I will school you in some scrabble.)

So finally we board the plane and all is fine and dandy until we begin the descent into New Jersey (yeah, I realize that my first mistake was flying into Newark instead of any other New York airport). Ummm I thought we were all going to die. Now I can sometimes exaggerate a bit here and there but I AM NOT EXAGGERATING right now… we came towards the ground at a 45 degree angle (slight exaggeration). As we were nearing the ground the entire cabin tensed up and everyone’s eyes were plastered to the windows so we could gauge how NOT STRAIGHT our plane was. Finally, when we touched down the entire cabin… and I do mean the ENTIRE cabin… let out an audible sigh and started freaking out about how we almost died.

So we’re on the ground. Great. Oh wait… no it’s not because the captain gets on the intercom or whatever its called in planes to inform us that all of Terminal C is closed down because of a security breach and that the airport has been shut down. Apparently some mofo came in through the exit and they couldn’t find him. So everyone that boarded a plane or was in the terminal had to go back through security and be re-scanned.

After sitting in the plane, on the runway, for AN HOUR AND A HALF, we were moved to Terminal B and were told that our baggage was going to be at Terminal B, Carousel 4. So we all frolic out of the plane just so excited to be able to stand, get to Carousel 4, wait for 30 minutes for our bags, until some biznatch comes over to tell us that we’re going to have to get on the AirTrain to go back to Terminal C to get our bags. This is a picture of what Terminal C looked like:

When I finally get to Terminal C, the Austin arrival isn’t even listed on the Arrival screen so we have no idea where our bags are going to be placed. Meanwhile, I’ve befriended a nice old man from New Jersey named Don who told me of his woes of catching something called “Cedar Fever” while in Austin which, oddly enough, involves neither cedar trees nor a fever. So Don and I are making our way through the masses trying to find our baggage until I finally decide to go rogue and search. Miraculously, I run into some people who I sort of recognize from the plane and they’re grabbing their bags from the ugly stepchild carousel in the corner. I verify that they were on the same flight as I was and then I see my lovely luggage come hurtling my way. I found Don, told him what was up and decided to go find my SuperShuttle.

Oh yes… I can’t find it. So I say to myself, “Eff this shit in the A!” and decide to take a taxi. I get in the cab, tell him where we’re going and we’re off. 15 minutes into the cab ride I ask him if he takes credit card and he starts FLIPPING OUT. Apparently he doesn’t take credit card and keeps on yelling and yelling. I haven’t eaten since 11am so I REALLY don’t care what he’s saying to me. After informing him that there’s an ATM across the street from my apartment he chills out and starts offering me candy. I wish I was making this up. I refused him 5 times (all the while trying to remember what that policeman taught my sorority in college about self defense) and kept telling myself that I am a grown ass woman and I WILL NOT cry.

Finally, I make it home, look through the fridge to find that the only food I have is frozen corn, whip myself up some corn and salsa and go to check on my cat only to find that her automatic litter box has broken.

Then I couldn’t close my drawers.

So I took a shot of vodka.

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You Know What Day It Is Today!?

So I had a lovely dinner at a diner (a diner dinner) with my loser friend, Leighton, tonight. I had the pancakes and she had the lentil soup (clearly, I won the ordering competition). Not wanting to cut our date short, we decided to mosey on over to the neighborhood CVS to pick up some goods.

Number-o uno on my list was deodorant but it took us far too long to locate my target. It was really well hidden… like the CVS was desperately trying to hold onto its stash of deodorant… there was even a ridiculous system of tiles covering the products like that childrens’ game where you move the tiles around to make a picture. Once me and Leighto Potato found the deodorant rack I realized I was faced with a big question.

Do I want to smell like a clean, put together woman… or do I always want to feel like a I’m constantly being followed by a hot guy with good hygiene? Of course, once I vocalized my inner conundrum, the answer was obvious. I scoured the men’s section and found the prize – Old Spice Game Day Deodorant.

Not only will I be constantly followed by the lingering scent of a man, I have decided that it will be physically impossible to put on my game day deodorant and not giggle a little inside. “Wake up Bennett! You know what day it is today!? IT’S GAME DAY!!!!” Then I’ll meat-out for a good five minutes while listening to 80’s hair bands and chest bumping my cat. If we’re going to be super serial though… I imagine my Game Day Deodorant with a mouth and the voice of the man who says “Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY!” on the boob tube.

I just looked at the Old Spice website and I got even MORE excited about my purchase.

Give your armpits a victory parade.

The triumphant scent of Game Day runs a half-back split straight up a woman’s nose. We designed it this way because if you look at a lady’s head, her nose is closest to her brain where her decision to date you is made.

• Long lasting for 24 hours of “handsome-smelling quarterback smell.”
• Crisp, triumphant scent.

I would rather have the long lasting, handsome-smelling, hilarious & creative genius smell following me around as opposed to quarterback… but I think that was too wordy for the advertisement. At least the scent will be crisp and triumphant.

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People Getting Hurt Is Funny

Yo fat guy in a leotard, I’m really happy for you, I’m-a let you finish… but this chick has one of the best Single Ladies renditions of all time!

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