Monthly Archives: September 2010

I Have Gum Cancer

So yeah I know that EVERYBODY has some kinda hilarious gum cancer story but THIS IS NO JOKE PEEPHOLE.

My good friend, Katie, was in town the other day and we were getting all pertified and ready to hit the town. I was admiring the lovely job I did contouring my nose when all of a sudden… I saw it. My gum cancer. A small dark spot below one of my vampire fangs. It was like one of those moments when the Psycho song comes on and the camera zooms in and out of my terror-stricken face for an entire 5 seconds.

“Katie!” I screamed a bit too loudly. “WTF is this!? OMG I have gum cancer!”

“Um Megan you’re a 23 year-old who doesn’t smoke and would have no reason to get gum cancer. It’s probably a bruise from brushing too hard.”

“OMG NO you are such an IDIOT! Can’t you see that I am dying. It’s only a matter of minutes before i get all METH MOUTH and my lower jaw falls off. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT WITHOUT A LOWER JAW?! Yeah I’ll get all hot and skinny but who’s going to want to make out with METH-MOUTH-NO-JAW-CHICK!? Oh no this is no good, no good at all.”

Fast forward a week and my gummy social life ruiner is still there. Determined not to let the knowledge of my impending demise get the best of me, I decide to approach the situation with an even mind and slice off the ugly part of my mouth investigate.

I slowly walked to my bathroom, checked both ways for oncoming traffic (safety first), and tiptoed to the mirror. I mustered up all the courage I have in my 5″4′ frame and timidly lifted my right pointer finger to my mouth. I slightly pressed right below my cancer and…

…oh shit it was just a piece of pepper.

I ‘aint dying bitches! Can’t stop, won’t stop!

So yes, you just read an entire entry about how I got a piece of pepper out from under my gumline.

Thanks and bedazzle.