Monthly Archives: March 2010

AUTOMATED SHIT IS THE DEBIL!

I HATE AUTOMATED PHONE MESSAGES MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. That includes: Hilary Duff’s fake teeth, finding a fingernail in my french fries (yes that happened), girls who don’t realize that I can see their ass cheeks in those panty hose, city water dropping on my face, and the like. This is what transpired today:

(Back story: a man in the office asked me to call our health insurance provider to ask about HIS policy (hmmm what?!) and to see how much it would be to switch to Medicare Plan B (again… what!?)

Automated Machine (AM): Thank you for calling (insert insurance here). If you are calling to hear about member services please say “member services”

Megan: Member services

AM: I’m sorry, I did not understand you. Please restate your desired option.

Megan: MEMBER SERVICES

AM: I’m sorry, I did not understand you. Please restate your desired option.

Megan: MEMBER SERVICES!!!!!!!

AM: I’m sorry, please speak english.

Megan: Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

AM: I’m sorry, please speak English.

Megan: YOU… YOU BURN IN HELL YOU!

The BEST though is when I get a phone call and the effer on the other line says: “We have a very important message for you but all of our representatives are busy at the current moment… please hold.” ……………….. WTF ANSWERING CHICK?! YOU called ME. It’s just not right I tell you!

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Every Once In A While I Enjoy A Random Work Forward

This is an email I got at work today. Normally I hate these stupid forwards because they usually contain videos of meowing kittens or something awesome stupid like that.

 Random Thoughts for the Day:   

  1.   I think part of a best friend’s  job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

  2.   Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

  3.   I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

  4.   There is great need for a sarcasm font.

   
  5.   How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
   
   6.   Was learning cursive really necessary?
   
  7.   Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5.  I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
   
  8.   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
   
  9.   I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
   
10.   Bad decisions make good stories.
   
11.   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
   
12.   Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray?   I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
   
13.   I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes  to.
   
14.   “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this — ever.
   
15.   I hate when I just miss a call by  the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it  rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer?  Drop the phone and run away?
   
16.   I  hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of  importance the entire day. What a waste.
   
17.   I keep some people’s phone  numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
   
18.   My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
   
19.   I think the freezer deserves a light as well…
   
20.   I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I  would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.