Category Archives: Dream

Messed Up Dream #5 – The Cat With The Pierced Tongue

So I’ve been really missing my dear sweet kitty, Fannie. For those of you who don’t know, her life came to a sudden end when she went hunting one night, and took on a mountain lion with nothing but a bobby pin and the determination of Chuck Norris. It was an epic battle with lots of circling,  snapping, and dancing… much like the epic fight that happened with the Jets and the People I Don’t Care About Because They Weren’t The Jets in West Side Story. (In all actuality, she probably ran away and is living with a nice elderly couple that has a plethora of cicadas for her to chase in the yard.)

Anywayz… I had a dream last night that I found the MOST AWESOME CAT IN THE WORLD… a weird statement because most cats suck major asshole. THIS cat however, was half domestic cat… half LYNX! It. Was. Awesome. It was feisty and would play fetch and do other lynxy stuff. It was SO awesome that I decided the only way to make this cat even better… was to pierce it’s tongue… OBVIOUSLY. So I picked out the classiest emerald stud to shove into her fleshy bit and did the deed. Everything was going well until I realized that.. oh shit… my landlord doesn’t allow pets, let alone half lynx pets. And OH YEAH.. I was moving across the country so it totally didn’t make sense for me to have a cat. So, after much consideration and with much pain in my heart… I walked up to my cat/lynx to tell it that I was going to have to return it to it’s cat-lynx breeder. As I approached the cat, it turned into my young brother (yeah…) and I had to break his little cat/lynx/brother heart by telling him I had to return him.

He still had a pierced tongue.


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Messed Up Dream #4: Law School Drumline

So I’m running through an old-fashioned high school that ends up being a law school of some sort. All of a sudden, I’m blocked by a large group of people who turn out to be the drumline of law school X. They’re technically the best drumline out there but they have a reputation for being… well… evil. They try to convince me to join their drumline and right when I’m about to succumb to their persuasive powers, their rival drumline shows up.

So now we’ve got Evil Drumline and Rival Drumline.

Rival Drumline is known for being cool and laid back. They’re not as technically precise, but they also don’t have a reputation for being evil. So after a push-and-pull of epic proportions between the two groups, I decide to team up with Rival Drumline and an 80’s-themed training montage began. There were drums, muscular men, pick up trucks, and mountains involved.

All of a sudden, it’s time for the drum-off and we all congregate in the high school law school auditorium. I’m waiting in the back wings (because I’m cool and I’m allowed to be wherever I want) and I’m standing next to the opening act… Lady Gaga (yeah she’s our opener… we’re a big deal)… but this Lady Gaga is a 5ft, overweight, Asian woman with really bad lipstick.

Gaga is all upset because someone messed up her performance and I sit her down and explain that she is a strong, independent woman and she shouldn’t let ANYONE tell her otherwise. (Not really sure what that had to do with the performance, but I said it anyway.) Apparently, this was exactly what she needed to hear and we went skipping off down the hall, giggling like little schoolgirls.

Then I woke up.

This is the Rival Drumline equivalent:

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Messed Up Dream #2: My Friend Steve

My best friend’s name is Steve. He is a giant, talking, venus fly trap that had leaves for hands.

The other day I went camping with Steve and some mutual friends. We were somewhere in Colorado and were surrounded by mountains and a beautiful river. The water looked so inviting we decided to go swimming so I went to go back to our cabin to change into my gold lame swim suit (I dream big).

All of a sudden I am attacked by an evil vine that is winding itself in and out of the wooden planks of the wall and wrapping itself around my legs! Just then, Steve, the giant, talking venus fly trap, burst through the door and started attacking my evil adversary by spraying it continuously with weed killer. After a few minutes of this battle of epic proportions, the evil vine slithered away and I was safe once again.

Then I woke up.

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Messed Up Dream #1: Dinosaur

My parents never have to worry about me doing any kind of hard/hallucinatory drug because if my dreams are any indication of the depths my imagination can reach… I know that if I ever took drugs, my brain would explode from overload and I would die. (Unless you can survive a brain explosion, which I doubt, but if you could I’d much rather be put out of my misery because I prob would be a vegetable and, well, no thanks)

So I’ve decided that I will share my effed up dreams with you. Get excited. They’re weird.

This is a dream that I had many years ago that still haunts me. I was probably in the 7th grade or some impressionable age like that. So it was a week-long dream that played out like an episodic television show, each night it would pick up more or less where it ended the night before. My family and I had gone to a Jurassic Park type of place and got locked in and for a week were trying to figure out how to get out of this place. It kind of looked like that tv show, Dinosaurs, in that the dinosaurs wore clothes and they could talk. The herbivores were nice (obviously because they weren’t constantly trying to eat you) and the omnivores were crazy bitches that you needed to stay away from! So FINALLY my family made it out of this Chuck E. Cheese gone wrong and headed to our 1992 Ford Aerostar and all of a sudden my dad stops and says, “Ya know, I think I’m going to stay here with the T-Rexes, they were pretty cool.” I had a nice chuckle over this little piece of sarcasm as I am never one to let sarcasm go unnoticed but my mom had other plans. She replied with a firm, “FINE!” and grabbed my brother and me and threw us in the van and drove off. After a few minutes I said, “uhhh Mom, I think we should go back and get Dad. I’m pretty sure he was just joking with us.”

All of a sudden, my mom and my brother turned towards me, ripped off their faces and Old Men with Guitars, they’re velociraptors! I swing open the sliding door to our fancy van and high-it back to where we left my dad. However, when I reach the parking lot I see that my dad has been circled by a gang of Mexican street fighters and is getting the crap beat out of him!

Then I woke up.