Monthly Archives: June 2009

Eat It, Elizabeth!

So I was reading this article the other day that explains the history the hot dog has played in the United States foreign relations. Apparently, serving  hot dogs has been used as a goodwill gesture in welcoming foreign leaders as a way to say, “Hey! Look at us Americans! We’re all right!”

But really it just seems to me to be a not-so-subtle way of telling our guest to “eat it”… “Oh you don’t like that we’re attacking your country? Well why don’t you shove this dog down your throat? And while you’re at it, how about you munch on these salty nuts, Queen Elizabeth?”

Whoever thought up this plans deserves a raise.

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Overheard a la Casa de Bennett

Dad’s thoughts on being an On-Star Operator:

“You know, it would really suck to work for On-Star when your computer tells you that someone has been in a crash and you say ‘Hello, this is Cindy Lou from On-Star. Our computer tells us that you have been in a crash. Is everyone okay?’

And then all you hear is, ‘AHHH AHH AHHH! OH DEAR GOD! AGH*12#^%&@*LJFKSP#O@N@#*(OIJF I’M BURNING!!!!!! GH*(#P!#P)(*UR!#NFNK:EL AHHH LET ME DIE NOW!!! DEATH RAIN DOWN ON MY BURNING BODY!!’

…. You’d probably have to change jobs after that…”

Back When The World Was Good

  • Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
  • Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
  • Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
  • Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
  • During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
  • Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
  • Be happy to see him.
  • Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
  • Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
  • Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
  • Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.
  • Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
  • Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
  • Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
  • A good wife always knows her place.

This is allegedly from a 1955 publication of Housekeeping Monthly. I feel like this should have been handed out to all women in college. I mean, I’m just plain tired of women thinking that they can “go off into the world” and “be successful.” In fact, I think we should go back to the days where women weren’t allowed to go into churches when they were on their period and we could easily accuse that skank that made flirty-eyes with your boyfriend of being a witch and it was over. Last time I tried to accuse someone of being a witch I was put in in-school-suspension and had to write “I will not accuse Mrs. Finkenhagen of being a flirty-eyes making witch” 200 times. Chalk dust causes asthma and heart palpitations.

Bacon Chocolate… A Godsend or Demon Seed?

The blurb written on the back of this bar says:

Breathe…engage your five senses, close your eyes and inhale deeply. Be in the present moment, notice the color of the chocolate, the glossy shine. Rub your thumb over the chocolate bar to release the aromas of smoked applewood bacon flirting with deep milk chocolate. Snap off just a tiny piece and place it in your mouth, let the lust of salt and sweet coat your tongue.

After reading this for the first time I wasn’t sure if I was about to vomit all over my “Barack-in and Ba-rollin” t-shirt.. or immediately break-up with my boyfriend and vow my life and soul to this creation. After deciding to put all questions aside and try this unimaginable concoction, I discovered that I was wrong on both counts: It just left me confused and crying in the corner of my room unable to make sense of the world.

This just goes to show that bacon IS the world’s most provocative meat product ever.

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Leavin with a BANG!

So Natalie and I found out that we got the apartment ten minutes before we had to leave to go to JFK airport. After rushing to the bank to get a certified check for the security deposit, we jumped into a taxi and were on our way.

However, as soon as we entered the airport and started taking ramps to get to Terminal 7, we here a loud BANG. The taxi had blown a tire while we were on a ramp with nowhere to stop or pull over. I was in shock, Natalie starts telling the driver that we have to stop and can’t drive with a flat tire and the driver just keeps pointing at the terminal sign and screaming, “We are almost there! So close! No Stop! Almost there!”

Finally, we convince him to pull over and after ten minutes of trying to get cars to pick us up along the ramp, we decide that we only have one option – we have to make a run for it. We hike up our skinny jeans, thank GOD that we only packed carry on bags, and start hurdling over the barriers with the Mission Impossible theme song playing in the background. Okay, so maybe that last part was only in my mind…

Luckily, we made it to our gate in plenty of time. Welcome to NYC girls!

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Aint Got No Money!

A brief breakdown of all the money I’ve spent trying to move to NYC… and I’m not there yet:

* $350 = Flight to look for an apt
* $1000 = Security deposit for apt
* $60 = Taking Rachel out to dinner for letting us sleep on her floor
* $2000 = Remainder of the security deposit and first month’s rent
* $25 = Metro Card when looking for apt
* $50 = Food while in NY looking for an apt

TOTAL: $3485

Do you realize that with that much money I could have bought 46.47 cats at my local animal shelter!?