Yep. Today I was on perezhilton.com.
My friend Brian is a freater and a freatin’ officer in the army and is going to Iraq in a few months. I decided that I’m not really doing anything so I’ll just join him in war… ya know… like ya do.
So we’re in the bus to Iraq – Greyhound, of course – and I’m resting my head against the window and fall asleep while listening to Lady Gaga or something that really says “I’m ready for battle.” I wake up as we arrive at our destination and it’s dark outside and every inch of land is covered by tents, tanks, Taliban, textbooks, tetcetera. I mean every. inch. of. land. And everything was really flat which is weird because the biased liberal media elite always try and portray Iraq as a mountainous area. The liberal media is also trying to tell us that we can’t annihilate the polar bears so we can drill for oil in Alaska because of some nonsense called an endangered species list. IF they’re such an endanger to society then we should arrest them or something! But again, I digress…
We arrive at the war-time reception desk to check in and what not and I decide that I should let myself be known to the commanding officers staff. “Oh hi, um, my name is Megan. No, no I’m not on the list and I dont exactly have what you would call ‘formal training’… I’m just a girl with a conviction in her heart and I came to help out.” Of course they were completely fine with the fact that I was a stowaway and handed me a grocery list and said I should take the men and help them buy groceries. See I knew I was needed!
So we’re right around the bok choy when I realize… oh shit… I have to call my mom and tell her that I just spontaneously decided to go to Iraq in the middle of a war. Oh she’s gonna be POed. I start hyperventilating and pass out while simultaneously managing to take down the passion fruit and African cucumber display. This was a fancy war.
Then I woke up.